Something Dark

It is hard to consider child abuse, and especially your own, to reflect on its possible occurrence, the triggers, the instigators or abusers, the when, how and why without tainting the process with your own adult view of things. The fist time it was suggested to me, I though it was completely ridiculous. Me? No way! I would never let anybody do such a thing to me, I would fight back. Plus, I would remember if it had happened, how could anyone forget such a thing? Then again, how would an innocent child react in such circumstances?

What if, as Marco wisely pointed out, I didn’t have a choice? Perhaps I was too little to know better or to do anything about it or to fight back. Perhaps fear made me forget… Perhaps like in the movies, someone had threatened to hurt my cat if I told? What if nobody believed me? What if they thought I was responsible, that it was me the bad one? I felt so incredulous. But… wouldn’t I remember…?

Useless to say, the intricacies of the human mind are vast. Thanks to John I got to understand a bit more of it. It seems that many factors could actually cause the brain to block a traumatic event from consciousness. This means that something could have happened to me and I may not remember it. But I am getting ahead of myself, here.

On that afternoon, Marco and I discussed several theories involving alternatively each member of my family and their interactions with each others. Anything was possible, even the fact that perhaps nothing happened at all. Marco was not especially set on trying to make me believe either way. Oh, I’m sure he had a theory of his own, but he did not share it with me. Instead, he played devil’s advocate and let me think my own stuff through.

By the time we finished our third cappuccino, it was time to shake off all that caffeine with a walk in the cold. Walking can be quite conducive to thinking. And after a short while, Marco inadvertently threw the final punch at me:

“Loulou… How long have we known each other?”

“I don’t know… Twenty years perhaps”

“Do you realize that during all that time you have never talked to me about your brother? Initially you did mention that you hated him and had cut all ties but you could never quite tell me why that was. I remember thinking it was odd. I mean, you know how much I care about my own brother. I can’t imagine not talking to him…”

“…”

My intuition suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew something terrible had happened. I couldn’t tell you what and to which extend, but there was something dark. That’s when I knew that I would go back to see the hypnotist. I needed to know.

Marco was not exactly thrilled with my decision. He thought that guy was bad news. But if I was set on going, he was set on coming with me.