Forgiveness

A few days ago I received an e-mail from a friend of mine. He is a Lutheran pastor in a small community. Every week he sends me a copy of his latest sermon. I am not especially religious, but his sermons are always written very intelligently. I believe they are rather more intended to provoke a certain reflection than impose a path to follow. This week, it was about forgiveness. Not an easy subject to cover at the best of times. Although it may seem effortless for those who have nothing to forgive, for those of us who have truly been hurt; it is not an easy process. Is it even a realistic one?

It is without contest a terrible waste to go through life bitter and full of resentment. It not only impoverishes even further, but it also confers greater powers to the offender. How can one move on when the mind is clogged with constant reminiscence of the difficult times? I believe one cannot, but forgiveness? I am not so sure.

As I was reading his sermon, I thought it was a very Christian concept, one in fact that can make me quite uneasy. I remember the days in church when the priest would profess the value of turning to the other cheek. Not that I wish to promote violence in any form or shape, but how many of us have experienced first hand the danger of such gesture. I am all for a good leap of faith, but after a while, there is also the concept of self preservation which has to kick in. Most abusers understand from the beginning that what they are doing is wrong. Do you really expect them to feel any sense of shame or remorse at striking the other cheek too?

It is honorable to think that we should be able to reach out to those who’ve hurt us and forgive, perhaps even forget and who knows, maybe even embrace the abusers and restore a nice healthy relationship with them, as if nothing ever happened. Would this be forgiveness or sheer madness? There are these extraordinary people out there who perhaps could do such a thing. I am not so sure I could be so generous myself; or rather I think this generosity would better serve my own healing.

Forgiveness is hard. I don’t believe that only hard work is rewarded to the fullest. I think that life is hard enough in itself. And sometimes, the path of least resistance is the one that makes more sense. By that, I don’t mean to wish ill or seek revenge or even to be forever haunted by the pain that was inflicted, but to let go and move on. You may never understand the motivations of your aggressors, their moral shortcomings, the circumstances which led to their actions but you can understand that most people are not born totally bad, that something made them what they were, that their might be mitigating factors to these otherwise horrific acts and that, might be enough.

Having been victimized does not make you a victim. And by understanding it, you can regain control over your own life. You learn new ways. Be a better person. There doesn’t need to be a constant mental connection with the abuser. It is possible to let go. Thus free yourself and move on.

My friend quoted Henri Nouwen in that there is a step beyond the realization that we need not be victims of our past…The step of forgiveness. According to him, forgiveness sets us free without wanting anything in return. I am asking you, is it not just as benevolent to wish your abusers no harm, to offer a healing distance without pretense, and not care anyone more one way of the other?