The Secret

Yesterday, I told my dad.

We were on the phone, talking. He spoke about my brother and how much he resented his silence. He could not understand. I told him that it didn’t matter; he had to respect his choice. Still. We were silent for a long time it seems. Perhaps lost in thoughts. Then I heard it, a sob, a deep sob, almost a groan, the groan of a small animal in excruciating pain. It scared me. It scared me because it was me making that noise. My dad listened. I was gasping for air. Oooh dad, if only you knew. Tell me he said. I was crying. Dad, I was molested when I was four years old. I was molested by my brother. I heard my dad cry. It was the first time I ever heard him cry. Why didn’t you tell me, I would have protected you. Oooh God… His voice broke. Why didn’t you tell me? I listened to him cry for a while. I told him everything. He listened. He didn’t doubt me. He didn’t think I was crazy. I needed to know. How come my brother knew about these things? Unless he was really sick, someone had done it to him. Was it him? There was another long silence only broken by my dad’s sobs. All that time I knew something was wrong. Your brother was molested but not by me, it was that guy who coached him baseball. One year he came home dressed as Santa Claus. He had kissed your brother on the lips in exchange for his gift. It shocked me. During all these years, I have never been able to shove away that picture from my mind. We cried together for a while. I’ve wasted my whole fucking life working on boats, away from my family, always by myself. I’ve sacrificed everything because I wanted to make sure you had a good life, that you needed for nothing, and during all that time, you were hurting, all of you. Why? I only wanted what was best for you. I wanted to give you all that I never had. We never had any money, but my parents loved me. What a waste. I’ve lost my family for nothing. Don’t ever doubt that I love you. If I would have known, I would have killed him. I wish you weren’t that far away. We cried for a little while longer.

Dad… I always knew you loved me.