What's Wrong with Me?

There was obviously something wrong with me. I mean, how could there not be? I am intelligent, attractive; I have a pretty good sense of humor, a strong sense of life, a decent education, plenty of creativity, talents and interests. I am good with people and people seek my company. I have friends, not so many but really good ones. What more could I ask for? I am bursting with potential. But that’s all it is - potential; I have never lived up to it on any levels. Sometimes I wish I could be dim-witted, so I would not realize how a complete waste of an otherwise fantastic life I am leading. I am trapped in a dead-end job, when I should be creating wonderful pieces of art. I have mostly dated men that were completely ill suited to me with whom I could never have build a life, a family. I even used to think of myself as a loner, one who likes spending much time on her own, only to realize recently that I actually enjoy having people around. But, an inherent mistrust tainted my relationships. It’s not that I thought they would cheat me, I simply did not feel safe.

My first recollection ever is one of fright, fright and puzzlement. Why is that? How could a child who grew up in a seemingly - normal - family learn fear from the get go? Something must have happened. That’s the plainest of all explanations. Could there be another one? Years of solitary introspection had proven insufficient to uncover the deed. I needed help. It was time to reclaim my life by doing some serious digging of the mind. It was time to fill up the blanks. Actually, there was really not much more than blanks. I simply wanted a childhood, mine if possible. I have always felt like I was born an adult, the responsible one of the family but chances were, it was not actually the case. I had to find someone who would help me sorted it all out. Someone I could trust. That’s when I met John. He was all I could have hoped for and so much more.

My expected reward: a life of my own. I wanted to become the hero of my own life, and not let that role be held by somebody else.